


you are my sweetest downfall (i loved you first)

by aserenitatum



Series: Staubrey Week 2019 [2]
Category: Pitch Perfect (Movies)
Genre: Angst without a happy ending, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-09
Updated: 2019-03-09
Packaged: 2019-11-14 12:20:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18052400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aserenitatum/pseuds/aserenitatum
Summary: or, a tragedy in five partsFor day 6 of Staubrey Week: "Bella Conrad"





	you are my sweetest downfall (i loved you first)

**Author's Note:**

> take the tags seriously, and also please don't hate me

_ i. _

 

At first glance, Stacie had been the perfect Bella candidate.  

She has a perfect, bikini-ready body, can sing well enough, _and_ she can dance (even if some of the moves are a little raunchier than are going to be necessary for the Barden Bellas) and Aubrey had immediately wanted her — for the Bellas, of course.  

That first Hood Night was a test for the new Bellas, to see how well they would do against the onslaught of alcohol and Treblemakers and Aubrey had always believed in throwing newbies off the deep end and despite fumbling her way through the Bellas oath and dancing and drinking with various members of the rival group, Aubrey noted with some sense of pleasure that Stacie didn’t follow through on her flirtation and didn’t leave that night with a Treblemaker.  

At rehearsal the next day, Aubrey pawned Stacie off to Chloe when she noticed how hard it was for her not to stare dumbly at Stacie’s long legs, or the way her hips moved, or the graceful movements of her hands and at some point she’d had to drag a hand down the side her face to cool down and remind herself that thinking about someone’s hands isn’t appropriate nor contributing to her iron-clad plan to get the Bellas back to the top.  

And yes, Stacie has the looks to be a Barden Bella but she lacks discipline.  

They’re eight rehearsals into the year and Stacie has been late eight times. Aubrey glances at her watch, notes that Stacie’s late _again_ , and sighs loudly in disappointment. This was becoming a problem.  

“Have you heard from Stacie today?” Aubrey asks Chloe softly, brows furrowed in annoyance and Chloe shrugs, shakes her head before turning to the group.  

“Anybody heard from Stacie today?” she asks and all the girls, one by one, shake their heads.  

“This is ridiculous,” Aubrey says, throwing up her hands. “Let’s begin!”  

The girls all scramble up from their seats and await instructions but Chloe touches Aubrey’s elbow gently, turns closer to her and whispers, “Go.”  

“No, I’m fine.”  

“You’re going to be annoyed until you break down her door,” Chloe says and Aubrey knows she’s right but doesn’t want to admit it, presses her lips together instead. “I’ll do warm up. Go yell at Stacie.”  

“Thank you,” Aubrey murmurs, ashamed of how much she really wants to go find Stacie and grateful that Chloe’s letting her do it with only a teasing smile.  

Chloe lets her go and she stalks out of the rehearsal space, growing increasingly more annoyed with every step but before she can even start formulating what she’s going to say once she finds Stacie, she bumps into the freshman casually leaning against the wall just outside the door, filing her nails with earbuds in and bopping her head to music.  

Aubrey’s voice is loud enough to cut over Stacie’s music and the girl looks startled when she notices Aubrey glaring at her with crossed arms and an arched eyebrow.  

“Hey—uh, hi,” Stacie stammers, rips her earphones away and shoves them into her book bag. “What’s up?” 

“Why aren’t you in rehearsal?” 

“I’m busy.”  

“Doing what?” Aubrey asks, eyebrow somehow ticking even higher as she tries to give Stacie a chance.  

“Gathering courage,” Stacie fumbles and when Aubrey’s expression softens into confusion, Stacie gestures vaguely to the rehearsal space.  

“I wouldn’t yell at you so much if you weren’t always late,” she says with an exasperated sigh, stepping aside to prompt Stacie to start making her way to rehearsal.  

“Maybe I like it when you yell my name,” Stacie says lowly just as she passes by Aubrey. 

“What?” Aubrey asks, the words catching her completely by surprise but Stacie just shoots her a wink and a smile. 

“You heard me,” is all she gets before Stacie disappears around the doorway.  

The words leave Aubrey off-kilter for the rest of the day and in her distracted state, she dismisses the Bellas without a final round of cardio and the girls almost vanish in their haste to leave, presumably to avoid being around when she inevitably realises her mistake and heaps on an additional lap for them trying to get out of cardio.  

“Do you want to go out sometime?”  

Aubrey’s head snaps up, pencil paused over the sheet music.  

“Excuse me?” she says, eyes narrowed to regard Stacie, the way she stands with her shoulders pulled back, leaning on one leg and hip pressed against the side of the piano Aubrey’s standing at.  

“Do you want to go out sometime?” she repeats, words slower.  

“I… _what_?” she asks, still confused by why Stacie’s still around 20 minutes after she dismissed the girls, especially considering her seeming disregard for Bellas practice, and Aubrey had thought she’d been alone, so she’s still trying to play catch up on multiple angles.  

“You know what a date is, right?” Stacie asks, a small amused smile on her face as she pins Aubrey with a knowing look.  

“Yes.”  

“Do you want to go on one?”  

“With you?”  

“No, with the president of the Chess Club,” Stacie sasses and when Aubrey shoots her a glare, she throws up her hands in exasperation. “Yes, with me, Aubrey.”  

“Why?”  

“Are you serious?” Stacie stares at her with narrowed eyes for a long while, as if trying to figure her out, before leaning back and frowning. “You’re not messing with me,” she murmurs and Aubrey feels a pang go through her heart when Stacie shakes her head and moves away from the piano, shoulders slumped. “Just saying no would have been kinder, Aubrey.”  

“What?”  

“See you tomorrow,” Stacie throws over her shoulder, grabs her bag and almost angrily shoves her heels in it while walking away. “Don’t worry, I’ll be on time.”  

“Stacie,” Aubrey calls out. “Wait.”  

The girl stops and turns to face her but she doesn’t lift her head or meet her eyes and that’s how Aubrey knows she’s really hurt.  

“I’m sorry.”  

The corner of Stacie’s mouth quirks up as she shrugs but the movement seems hollow. “It’s okay, don’t be, I get it.”  

“No, I mean—I thought _you_ were messing with _me_ ,” she admits softly.  

“What?” Stacie asks, finally lifting her head. “Why?”  

“Because.”  

She knows that’s not an answer but she’s not sure how to phrase her concerns but then Stacie just blinks at her and waits.  

“You like it when I yell at you?”  

“Yes.”  

“Why?” Aubrey asks, can’t wrap her head around that small detail. 

“I like the attention,” she admits with a small shrug.  

“You get plenty of attention,” Aubrey tries to say but Stacie’s already shaking her head.  

“Not from you.”  

Aubrey opens her mouth and closes it again, curses her brain for going completely blank in the worst of moments and so she says, “I don’t understand.”  

“I want to take you out on a date.”  

The words go against every interpretation she’d had of Stacie’s behaviour and her head spins with confusion at the complete 180 that she’s having to do. She’d thought Stacie didn’t care about the Bellas, was blissfully aloof and indifferent to everything and received attention with heaps to spare, so the idea that Aubrey’s actively, purposefully suppressed crush on Stacie wasn’t as one-sided as originally thought has her heart racing.  

“I’m… but—you…” Aubrey closes her eyes in embarrassment, suddenly hyper-aware of how badly she’s stumbling in this conversation.  

She peers open an eye and finds Stacie staring at her with an unreadable look in her eyes and a soft smile and Aubrey ends up looking away with a blush as she clears her throat softly.  

“What do you say?” Stacie asks, voice barely above a whisper and it gives away how impatient she’s becoming.  

“Yeah, I’d love to.”  

 

* * *

 

Something has been nagging at her since Stacie asked her out, and she’s tried hard not to let the thought fester but she’s been powerless to stop it, so when they’re sitting on a blanket in the park, picnic basket now empty and abandoned by their feet and Stacie turns to her with a knowing glint in her eyes, Aubrey tries not to think about it too hard.  

Of course, that just makes it worse and when Stacie leans in, lips barely an inch away from hers and intent more than clear, Aubrey ruins the moment by whispering, “This isn’t just some ploy to get me to sleep with you, is it?”  

Surprisingly, Stacie doesn’t take offence to that and she doesn’t even pull away, just pauses and smirks and glances between Aubrey’s eyes and her lips.  

“Aubrey,” she starts and Aubrey shivers at the husky tone. “If I wanted to sleep with you, you’d already be naked.”  

Before she has time to process that sentence, Stacie’s lips touch hers and everything falls away, chest exploding with warmth. She leans in for more and Stacie smiles into the kiss as she deepens it. Aubrey’s not sure if she moans first or Stacie does, but her hand curls around Stacie’s hip, nails digging insistently and that time, the low, guttural sound definitely comes from Stacie. In return, she cups a hand around the back of Aubrey’s neck and pushes forward, ravishing Aubrey’s mouth. 

Their kisses are hot and heavy and Aubrey feels like she’s on fire, the heat simmering down when Stacie pulls away for a large breath. She doesn’t return to Aubrey’s lips, her mouth brushing against the shell of Aubrey’s ear, fingers tucking blonde strands behind it.  

“But just for that…” Stacie starts, voice hoarse in a way that sends a shiver down Aubrey’s spine. “I’m going to make you wait.”  

There’s no way to fight that without giving herself away so Aubrey doesn’t but she’s sure her face must be betraying because Stacie breaks away with a soft laugh, thumb ghosting over her lower lip to pull it free from the pout.  

“You can keep kissing me, though,” Stacie offers and Aubrey doesn’t waste any more time, surges forward while simultaneously tugging Stacie closer and kisses her firmly, intent clear.  

“I like you,” Aubrey whispers between kisses.  

“I like you too,” Stacie replies, a hint of amusement tingeing her tone.  

“I was worried.”  

“Don’t be.”  

“Okay.”  

“Not that I don’t want to sleep with you,” Stacie adds. “Because I really, really do.”  

Aubrey pauses at that, tilts her head questioningly.  

“You carry a lot of tension in your neck and shoulders,” Stacie explains with a quick shrug. “I can’t wait to help you release it.”  

“Don’t think this will make rehearsals easier for you,” Aubrey warns.  

“If anything, it’ll make rehearsals harder for me.”  

“What?” Aubrey asks with a sharp laugh and the light blush that creeps up Stacie’s neck is incredibly enchanting. “Tell me.”  

“It’s just… the combination of you yelling and being all sweaty is very…” She trails off and Aubrey suddenly understands.  

“I pawned you off to Chloe because I couldn’t stop staring at your boobs,” Aubrey confesses quickly, before she can second guess herself and it seems to do the trick, Stacie’s confidence reappearing as she grins widely.  

“Oh yeah,” Stacie says, leaning in for another kiss, smiling when Aubrey eagerly responds. “This is gonna be great.”  

 

* * *

 

She wakes up to fingers tapping a rhythm along her spine, an unfamiliar beat that Aubrey can’t place and she doesn’t open her eyes just yet, basks in the feeling of the warm body under her.  

Stacie shifts, tugs Aubrey the slightly bit closer so she can tangle their legs and Aubrey smiles, nuzzles into her neck and presses a quick kiss there.  

“Morning,” Stacie says, voice still hoarse and Aubrey surmises that she hasn’t been up for very long.  

“Good morning,” Aubrey murmurs, lips moving against the skin of Stacie’s neck, her own fingers roaming down Stacie’s side and eliciting a shiver.  

“You know?” Stacie starts and Aubrey lifts her head, smiles at the sleepy grin on Stacie’s face. “I never took you as the cuddling type.”  

There’s no good way to respond to that so Aubrey doesn’t, gets distracted by Stacie’s widening smile and how she bites down on the corner of her lower lip.  

Stacie’s hand drifts up her back to tangle in blonde hair and Aubrey finds herself tugged closer and she drops down willingly, lips meeting Stacie’s in a slow kiss.  

“Good morning,” Stacie says when they part, voice still hoarse but for an entirely different reason.  

“You already said that,” Aubrey teases lightly, cheeks warm as she regards the girl under her.  

“Yeah but now I know it’s good,” Stacie flirts and Aubrey rolls her eyes.  

In retaliation, Stacie curls her free hand around the back of Aubrey’s thigh and shifts her leg, sliding her own between them and applying pressure and Aubrey’s eyelashes flutter as she tries not to give in.  

Stacie laughs softly so Aubrey shuts her up with another kiss, hips rolling against Stacie’s and loving the gasp she gets in return.  

“I had fun yesterday,” Aubrey murmurs.  

“Thank you for dinner.”  

“Thank you for dessert,” Aubrey throws back.  

“We didn’t have— _ohh_.”  

She smirks then, eyes twinkling and Aubrey feels a little lost in Stacie’s deep eyes.  

“Was it all you wished it would be?” Aubrey asks after a long silence spent watching Stacie.  

“Hm?” she asks, clearly having been in a daze of her own.  

“This,” Aubrey says. “All your dreams come true?”  

She tries to include the humour to hide her doubt and Stacie’s eyes narrow only briefly before that wide, delighted smile is back, hands sweeping over Aubrey’s back, fingertips pressing into the muscles there.  

“Definitely worth all the trouble.”  

“The trouble?” Aubrey exclaims, scandalised and she tries to scramble away from Stacie but the girl just laughs and locks one of her legs around Aubrey’s to hold her down, fingers curling around Aubrey’s waist and keeping her in place.  

“The frustration and the waiting outside rehearsal and the needy nights.”  

“‘ _Needy nights’_ ,” Aubrey echoes, tongue poking out to wet her lips as she props herself up to get a good look at Stacie. “What does that mean?”  

“Exactly what you think it does.”  

“And what’s that?”  

“You know,” Stacie says and Aubrey’s delighted by how flustered Stacie’s becoming.  

“So is the reality better?”  

“Eh,” Stacie says, shrugs a shoulder and this time Aubrey actually makes it away, scooting away with an indignant gasp, insulted as she turns her back to Stacie to get out of bed.  

Stacie’s laugh follows her but she doesn’t get too far, Stacie following her and sliding a hand into hers to tangle their fingers, using the grip to keep Aubrey from going too far and tugging her onto her back.  

Aubrey suddenly finds herself pinned to the bed by all of Stacie Conrad’s graceful, toned body and she moans lowly before she can stop herself, head falling back against her pillow as Stacie’s hair curtains around them.  

“I’m kidding,” she whispers in the space between them.  

“Hmm,” Aubrey hums in disbelief.  

“Let me prove it to you,” Stacie begs with a put-on sad expression and Aubrey is so weak for her, completely unprotected against Stacie’s full charm. “Does it count as date four if we stay in bed all day?”  

“All day?”  

“I have plans.”  

“With me,” Aubrey deadpans.  

“In bed. Allll day,” Stacie adds with a devious smile.  

“It’s still date three.”  

“What’s your criteria for that?” Stacie asks, her smile briefly dropping away as she scrunches up her face and stares off in consideration.  

“We’re still together, so the date hasn’t ended yet, so date three,” Aubrey explains, fingers reaching up to brush against the soft furrow of Stacie’s brows.  

“Then I’ll really have to figure out something wow for date four,” Stacie says softly, then shakes her head as if clearing it before suddenly, and without warning, dipping her head to scrape her teeth along Aubrey’s neck.  

She bites down and Aubrey gasps, arching into the touch and she can feel Stacie smile against her skin.  

“Why does it matter so much if this is date three or four?” Aubrey asks distractedly, grasping at Stacie’s back while the girl writhes above her.  

“Three dates is just that—three dates,” Stacie starts, making her way up Aubrey’s neck to kiss along her jaw. “But four dates…”  

“Is dating,” Aubrey finishes, realisation burning through her like fire. “Stacie?”  

“Yeah?”  

Stacie keeps her mouth firmly on Aubrey’s skin so she taps Stacie’s arm, waits for her to slowly lift her head and meet her eyes.  

“Would you like us to date?”  

“That’s what we’ve been doing,” Stacie teases, grin easy but eyes hard.  

“Do you want to be my girlfriend?”  

Stacie purses her lips, cheeks reddening and Aubrey’s smile grows.  

“Totally.”  

 

_ ii. _

 

She watches the Bellas pile out of the bus, finds her girlfriend easily towering over the others and when her gaze trails down she sees the high heels Stacie has on; the high heels that are definitely not Lodge appropriate footwear, something Stacie knows all too well. 

Beca turns to Chloe with a question and when she answers, they all mob her in a large group hug that has Aubrey laughing and smiling at the warmth, saying hi to the new girl before turning to look at Stacie. 

She’s got her hair in one of her classic braids and the short skirt and tank top combo are doing things to her, but she has to focus on the task at hand so even though Stacie waits for the girls to clear away and makes a move to step closer and kiss Aubrey, she stops her with a loud yell.  

“Fall in line, Bellas!”  

Beca hilariously steps back and Stacie just rolls her eyes as she joins the rest of the girls in a line.  

Aubrey hears a small snort come from Stacie after she berates Amy but she pays the brunette no mind, walking through her carefully prepared speech before sending them off to set up their tent.  

Her office door is barely closed behind her before it opens again and she turns just in time to see Stacie stalk over, pin her to a filing cabinet and kiss her senseless.  

“Hi,” Aubrey says uselessly between kisses, hands fisted in Stacie’s top and already having it untucked.  

“Hello,” Stacie replies cheerily before kissing her again.  

“Why—” She’s cut off by Stacie deepening the kiss and a moan falls from her lips. She tugs softly at Stacie’s tank top to get her attention and Stacie reluctantly slows down her efforts to make up for lost time. “Why aren’t you building a tent with your teammates?”  

“Because I’m not sleeping in it anyway?” Stacie replies, briefly closing her eyes as she presses her forehead against Aubrey’s.  

“What makes you think that?” Aubrey says, enjoys the widening of eyes and indignant jaw-drop far too much.  

“You’re making me sleep in the tent?”  

“You have to bond with your teammates.”  

“You can’t be serious, Aubrey.”  

“Dead serious.”  

“I’m not sleeping with you?”  

“Nope,” Aubrey says and when Stacie looks like she’s going to play dirty, her gaze trailing down Aubrey’s body before taking a step closer, Aubrey quickly slips out of her embrace to the safety of her desk, dropping into her desk chair.  

“We haven’t seen each other in three weeks,” Stacie whines, pouts at Aubrey.  

“I’ve missed you too, baby.”  

“So why won’t you let me sleep with you?”  

“Because you have to spend time with your teammates.”  

“We’re going in circles.”  

“We are.”  

“So let me sleep with you.”  

“No,” Aubrey says with a grin when she sees how petulant Stacie’s becoming.  

She stalks closer, hikes up her skirt and takes a quick, analytical look over Aubrey’s desk chair before deciding it’s safe and climbs onto Aubrey’s lap, arms looping around Aubrey’s neck and practically shoving her breasts in her face.  

“Do I really have to sleep in a tent?” she asks, her voice like liquid sex.  

“Yes,” Aubrey says.  

“How are you resisting all this?” Stacie asks, voice husky and low as she rolls her hips over Aubrey’s thighs.  

“With great difficulty.”  

Aubrey’s hands drift up Stacie’s thighs, destination clear, when there’s a loud knock on the door.  

“Stacie! I know you in there! Come help us set up the tent!” Cynthia Rose yells, fist still banging on the door. “You two better not be naked.”  

“We’re not,” Aubrey calls out and she can hear the woman outside laugh.  

“Don’t just give us away like that, baby,” Stacie grumbles but she still climbs out of Aubrey’s lap and adjusts her clothing.  

“You didn’t lock the door and I’m pretty sure she’d love to get an eyeful of us,” Aubrey says with a knowing look and Stacie has to concede that point. “Hey,” Aubrey says before Stacie turns to go.  

“Hm?” Stacie asks, turning back with a small smile.  

“I love you.”  

Stacie’s completely buoyed by the words, her smile widening and her eyes bright as she steps closer to Aubrey, runs her fingers down her arm to link their hands.  

“I love you too,” Stacie whispers, the words never getting old.  

“Come find me after dinner,” Aubrey says as she stands on her toes and presses a chaste kiss to Stacie’s lips.  

“We gonna fool around?” Stacie asks.  

“Not if you say it like that.”  

Stacie laughs and squeezes Aubrey’s hand once before turning to go. She swings open the door, faces an impatient Cynthia Rose and gives Aubrey a quick wave, wriggle of the fingers before closing her office door behind her.  

 

* * *

 

“You try to pretend that you’re so strong willed, but you’re so weak, baby,” Stacie says, sprawled out in the bed with one of her hands tucked behind her head.  

The sheets pool at her waist and when Aubrey glances back at her, she falters at the sight, eyes trailing over the gloriously exposed skin, up to her face and Stacie’s smirk widens when their eyes meet.  

“I can still kick you out,” Aubrey threatens, fills her glass with water before returning to the bed. She sips from the glass before offering some to Stacie and the woman takes the glass and eagerly drinks from it.  

“But you won’t,” Stacie says, twisting away to put the glass on the bedside table.  

Aubrey knows what’s coming, how Stacie’s seduction mode works but she’ll never not be affected by it, how Stacie slithers closer, how her fingers ghost over naked skin and how her lips trail over her jaw and how she exhales deeply, breath washing over Aubrey’s cooling skin and raises goosebumps.  

“I won’t,” Aubrey sighs, leaning into the touch as her head lolls back to give Stacie more space.  

“Why not tonight?” Stacie presses, crawls onto Aubrey’s lap.  

“Because,” Aubrey moans, her own hands trailing down Stacie’s back and raking her nails down her thighs and the soft whimper she gets in return is like music to her ears.  

“That’s not an answer.”  

“You found your harmony,” Aubrey starts and Stacie lets up, lifts her head to look at Aubrey. “Like I said, my job here is done.” 

“Well, not entirely,” Stacie says with an exaggerated wink.  

Aubrey rolls her eyes but doesn’t refute the statement.  

“Thank you for letting me sleep in your nice, soft, warm bed instead of the cold hard ground.” 

“Never say I don’t treat you right,” Aubrey says lowly and Stacie licks her lips, lifts a hand to her chest in a fake show of shock.  

“I would _never_  say that.” 

Stacie curls a hand behind Aubrey’s neck, tilts her head backwards and hovers over her, lips brushing against Aubrey’s.  

“You treat me very well.” 

Aubrey laughs softly at the serious tone but then Stacie kisses her quiet.  

 

* * *

 

She wakes up to fingers absentmindedly dragging over her shoulder, sun peeking in through her thin curtains and Aubrey sighs softly, drawing the attention of the other occupant.  

“Morning, sleeping beauty,” Stacie says and despite her eyes being closed Aubrey can hear the smile on her face.  

She makes a low sound from the back of her throat and Stacie laughs softly at that.  

“I made coffee,” Stacie says, lifts her hand away from Aubrey’s skin and she whines softly in response.  

The hand is back almost immediately but Aubrey’s curious now, slowly blinks open her eyes and finds Stacie staring down at her with a soft smile.  

She’s sitting up in bed, hair a mess and a book in her lap.  

“Good morning,” Aubrey finally says, clears her throat to get rid of the hoarseness but Stacie’s smile just widens, fingers moving up along her shoulder to tangle in her hair and scratch softly at her scalp.  

Stacie marks her place in her book and puts it away, watching closely as Aubrey reluctantly sits up, rubs at her eyes.  

“You’re up early,” Aubrey says, glancing over her shoulder at Stacie.  

“Tommy woke up a group nearby with an air horn,” Stacie says with a small pout and Aubrey softens at that, shoots her an apologetic look.  

“I’m sorry, baby.”  

Stacie shrugs. “You slept right through it, though.”  

“I’m used to it.”  

“That’s scary.”  

Aubrey laughs at that and finally scoots back to lean against the headboard, shoulder pressed against Stacie’s. Stacie twists and reaches for the second mug, handing it to Aubrey who eagerly takes it, wraps both hands around the hot cup and inhales the lovely smell wafting from it.  

“You’re amazing,” Aubrey moans after the first sip.  

“Me?”  

“Yes, you,” she says with an exasperated smile.  

“Oh, just making sure,” Stacie teases and Aubrey rolls her eyes in response. “You know, it occurred to me that while we were all talking about our futures, nobody asked you about yours,” Stacie says casually, turning slightly to face Aubrey.  

“They didn’t ask you about yours either,” Aubrey points out.  

“Yeah because everybody already knows it. Not like I haven’t been moaning about the GRE for ages,” Stacie says with a shrug and Aubrey has to give her that.  

“I already have a job and all that, so…” She trails off and is about to sip from her coffee again but Stacie’s still watching her with interest and that gives her pause. “What?”  

“What about you, Aubrey?” she starts, her lopsided grin a little too tight to be genuine and Aubrey can see Stacie’s worry slip through the cracks. “What does the future hold for Aubrey Posen?” 

She takes a moment to really watch Stacie, sees how her fingers play with the edge of the sheets and how tense her shoulders are. She twists to set her mug on the bedside table and give Stacie her full attention, turning to her and taking the hand closest to her in her own.  

Stacie smiles down at their hands when Aubrey intertwines their fingers and squeezes that hand softly and the still of the morning emboldens her to speak the words, a little hushed.  

“Anything that involves you and me growing old together.”  

Stacie’s head ducks down as she tries to hide how stupidly wide her smile is but Aubrey knows her well enough, lifts her free hand to brush away the hair that Stacie has let curtain around her face, tucking the strands behind her ear and letting her fingers ghost over her cheek and down her neck.  

Stacie finally lifts her head to level that beautiful smile at her and Aubrey’s left a little breathless.  

“I love you so much,” Stacie whispers and her heart swells.  

“I love you too,” she replies in the same tone and then Stacie’s tugging her closer, into a slow kiss full of intent, and Aubrey knows how she sometimes struggles with words, with how to show Aubrey the full depth of her feelings and Aubrey loves how much she’s trying to convey that in her actions instead.  

“Growing old together, hm?” Stacie murmurs between kisses.  

“Mhm-hm,” Aubrey nods, presses her forehead against Stacie’s.  

“I like that.”  

“Good.”  

  

_ iii. _

 

“Tell me what’s wrong, baby,” Aubrey says as she scoops some lasagna onto her plate, briefly glancing over her shoulder at where Stacie grumbles at the papers she has strewn about their kitchen table.  

“I just…”  

She grumbles again and Aubrey breathes a worried sigh. She moves closer, sets her plate on the other side of the table, away from any of the papers before rounding the table and standing behind Stacie.  

The woman leans back against Aubrey so she ducks her head and wraps her arms around her shoulders and presses her lips to Stacie’s cheek in a lingering kiss.  

Stacie sighs, melts in her arms, eyes closing as she takes a deep breath.  

“Talk to me.”  

“It’s about grad school.”  

“Your master’s?” Aubrey asks and Stacie nods.  

“Mhm-hmm.”  

“What happened? I thought we were all set.”  

She sees Stacie smile at her wording, eyes opening to shoot Aubrey a loving look.  

Stacie twists sideways, towards her so Aubrey cups her jaw, thumb smoothing across her skin and Stacie leans into the touch so Aubrey does it again, loves touching Stacie and the reaction she always gets.  

Stacie’s eyes flicker to her lips and Aubrey knows what she wants so she moves closer and kisses Stacie softly, sinking into the feeling of Stacie’s mouth moving under hers.  

It ends far too quickly for her liking but Stacie holds her away, pecks her lips quickly again and smiles.  

“Eat.”  

Something in her face or her eyes must shift because Stacie’s smile grows fond, exasperated as her lips twitch and she shakes her head.  

“Your _food_ ,” she clarifies and Aubrey giggles at the callout.  

“Thanks for specifying,” Aubrey teases as she straightens.  

“Woman after my heart,” Stacie murmurs, watches Aubrey round the table to sit across from her.  

“Thought I already had it,” she says and she can’t help her eyebrow ticking upwards.  

“Always,” Stacie says with a wink.  

“What’s going on with grad school?”  

“Remember the professor I’m supposed to work with? Who guaranteed the funding and all that?”  

“Dr. Harris?” Aubrey asks before taking a bite.  

Stacie nods.  

“What’s up with him?”  

“He got a job offer in New York.”  

“Shit.”  

“Yeah,” Stacie says, lets out a long, bedraggled sigh as she puts her hands on the papers. “And he stipulated in his contract that he wants to take his grad students with him if they want to, which does include me.”  

“That’s nice.”  

“It _is_ , but we never talked about New York,” Stacie says pointedly.  

“That’s what this is about?”  

Stacie nods.  

“Stace, we can talk about it right now. You’ve been stressing about this for a week,” Aubrey says, dropping her knife and fork briefly to level an empathetic look at Stacie. “Why didn’t you say anything?”  

“Because I wanted to see if it was something I could and/or wanted to do,” Stacie says, and that’s something that Aubrey can absolutely understand.  

“And?”  

“And I’m still hesitant on what I want to do.” Stacie shrugs.  

“I can get a job in New York, so don’t even worry about that,” Aubrey says and Stacie shoots her a grateful smile. “So why are you so worried?”  

“I was all set to start here next year, that’s why I even took the year in between undergrad and master’s, so we could get settled but then we’d have to move to New York pretty much now.”  

“But you want to work with Dr. Harris,” Aubrey points out and Stacie’s shoulders slump.  

“Yeah.”  

“Then it sounds like the decision is already made,” Aubrey says softly.  

“Do _you_ even want to move to New York?” Stacie asks.  

“Chloe, Amy, and Beca live there. It might not be so bad,” Aubrey says, shrugs a shoulder and Stacie narrows her eyes at her.  

“You’re going to freeze for like half the year, baby,” she says with an amused tone and Aubrey crosses her arms. “If we go to New York we’ll probably get like super settled there.”  

“And what’s so wrong with that?”  

“I just never wanted to raise kids in a big city and New York is, like, _the_  big city.”  

Aubrey’s blood runs cold and it’s like a record scratch-freezing in her brain, their easy conversation halting suddenly.  

“What?”  

“What, what?” Stacie asks.  

“You want kids?” Aubrey asks but it comes out more as a statement.  

“Yeah, don’t you?” Stacie says, brow twitching with a frown and the cold, bad feeling in Aubrey’s gut grows, extends to her whole body.  

“No.”  

“What?”  

“I don’t want to have kids.”  

“But I assumed—”  

“I don’t.”  

“I do,” Stacie whispers. 

The table between them isn’t big but she feels worlds away and Aubrey’s heart starts cracking at the seams, the inevitability of their reality setting in. She doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t know what to do with Stacie’s wide, worried eyes boring into her but she doesn’t have to do anything because Stacie’s the one to break the silence.  

“What does this mean for us, Aubrey?”  

 

_ iv. _

 

Aubrey gets shared custody of Chloe, but Stacie gets to keep the Bellas in the split.  

The arrangement proves especially difficult when Beca and Chloe finally get around to confessing their feelings and even more so after they decide to finally get married. Naturally, Chloe asks Aubrey to be her maid of honour and when Chloe asks, it comes with the disclaimer that Stacie is going to be Beca’s maid of honour.  

It’s going to be absolutely difficult, but Aubrey still says yes. She hasn’t seen Stacie since walking away from her four years prior, and they’d had virtually no contact save for a stray text from Stacie after the USO tour-turned-hostage situation in France.  

The worry and concern had practically oozed from the message and Aubrey’d had so many questions of her own, first and foremost wanting to ask why Stacie had skipped the Bellas reunion at the Brooklyn Aquarium, but she hadn’t felt entitled to the information so she’d answered the concerned question with a simple “I’m ok—thanks for worrying” and had tossed her phone onto her couch across the room, leaving it there the whole weekend to avoid the temptation of picking it up and calling Stacie and breaking down in tears.  

It’s been four whole years and her heart still halts whenever she thinks of Stacie. Sometimes she’ll see someone in a crowd with the exact same shade of brown hair, or catch a stray grin that looks identical to Stacie’s, or she’ll hear someone sing a song under their breath with a voice that sends a shiver down her spine from familiarity.  

She has no idea how she’s going to handle seeing Stacie again.  

A traitorous part of her brain, the part that likes to keep her awake with visions of alternate universes and what ifs, wonders what Stacie’s up to. How grad school is going. How her mom is doing. If she ever found that rare Justice League comic book she’d been looking for.  

Whether she was seeing anybody.  

She doesn’t have a right to that information though. Not anymore. So she restrains herself and she doesn’t put her best friend in the awkward position of choosing between friends, and it’s the uncertainty of what she’s going to be walking into at the wedding that makes her anxious.  

She has no idea what she’s walking into because a lot can happen in four years; their relationship blossomed and broke in four years and in the end, she’d walked away because Stacie deserved better.  

 

* * *

 

It’s a little unfair how good Stacie looks. Aubrey doesn’t hate her body, she knows she looks good, but Stacie looks downright stunning. It’s amazing the difference that 4 years can make and she feels tears prickle in her eyes at the thought that she didn’t get to see it while it was happening.  

Watching and experiencing Stacie’s growth from flirty freshman to confident, self-assured senior had been incredible, and she has to bite back the tears at how much _more_ Stacie’s become.  

Her brusque innuendos have become an alluring charm, her expressions more coy and the way she’d held herself showed just how much she’d matured in the years Aubrey had missed.  

And, christ, she hates herself for how affected she still is.  

Stacie’s dress is tight but not indecently so, and yet Aubrey still flushes with warmth, eyes slowly trailing up long legs, lingering on her hips and she bites the inside of her cheek to keep from drooling when her gaze travels over Stacie’s breasts.  

Stacie seems curvier but Aubrey can’t exactly put her finger on what it is specifically.  

And then suddenly, as if she could tell that Aubrey’d been thinking about her, Stacie turns, eyes locking onto Aubrey’s, her delighted smile freezing for the briefest of seconds before melting into a small smile as she holds the eye contact.  

In the split-second between smiles, in the pause, Aubrey can see the hurt that lingers even with all the physical distance between them. 

Stacie turns back to her conversation and Aubrey waits, watches as Stacie excuses herself, sees Stacie take a deep breath and a swig of her champagne.  

“Hi,” Stacie says when she’s finally stood in front of Aubrey.  

“Hi.”  

There’s a beat of silence, both of them hovering in the awkward, eyes locked.  

Aubrey goes in for a hug the same moment Stacie goes in for a kiss on the cheek and they shuffle awkwardly, bump into each other before pulling away.  

“Let’s try again,” Stacie says, amused lilt to her voice, turning her head as she presents her cheek and Aubrey leans in and brushes her lips against the soft skin, ignoring Stacie’s sharp intake.  

Stacie twists her head and returns the favour before wrapping her arms around Aubrey in a hug that’s a lot firmer than it should be.  

Aubrey feels those tears prickle again when Stacie melts, briefly forgetting everything else and practically nuzzling into her and she knows she’s not faring much better with the way her hands seem to almost desperately grasp at Stacie.  

 

* * *

 

Stacie was never the one to make the hard decisions.  

It’s one of the things Aubrey loves the most about her.  

Aubrey had realised fairly quickly what would need to happen, and she knew that it would hurt beyond words. But Stacie had begged and pleaded and offered to sacrifice, to sacrifice having kids _for her_. And it had hurt because through all the fights and discussions and tears and anger and hurt, Stacie had never, not _once_ , asked Aubrey to consider bending her way. She could have easily argued the point but she had deliberately never asked Aubrey out of absolute respect for her decision, and it made the break so much harder because of it.  

Because in that exact moment, when Stacie had been so willing to sacrifice her future and her dreams for Aubrey, she knew that there was no way forward for them. Because Stacie was the most beautiful, special, _amazing_ person Aubrey had ever met and she would be the thing holding her back. She’d end up being the reason Stacie couldn’t soar and she loved Stacie too much to ever let that happen.  

She couldn’t dim Stacie’s light.  

She would never forgive herself and eventually, Stacie wouldn’t either so she’d had to make the hard decision.  

 

* * *

 

The Bellas ebb and flow around her and Stacie all weekend.  

The girls had all been witness to the developing feelings and the parts where Stacie and Aubrey had been planning a life together but it was clear to Aubrey that even with her absence, Stacie had not told them anything about the split.  

She’d barely told Chloe, hadn’t even gotten Stacie’s name out before bursting into tears. She knows that they all wonder; that they all speculate because for as much as they’d been open about their relationship and hadn’t hesitated in telling the Bellas, a lot of it had been private, the two of them cherishing their alone time together and they’d done all the milestones away from prying eyes.  

Telling the girls they’d gone their separate ways meant telling them all the other stuff too, something neither of them had wanted to do.  

It was the first time Aubrey hadn’t confided every single moment and doubt to Chloe, a true testament to how head over heels in love she’d been with Stacie, how confident she’d been in the strength of their relationship.  

Once alone, by herself in the quiet of her apartment, she’d wept even harder than she had while at Chloe’s, clutched Stacie’s pillow to her chest and locked away those private memories in a place only she could ever get to, to keep them safe.  

Telling the girls the minutiae of it all would mean telling them everything from the very beginning, and Aubrey, in a moment of pure selfishness, didn’t want to share.  

She’d filled her altruistic quota for a lifetime by setting the love of her life free.  

Still, the Bellas wouldn’t be the Bellas if they didn’t try and so Aubrey had stayed away to avoid the leading questions and the confused looks.  

She loves those girls, but Stacie deserved to keep them. She’d only been a Bella for a year with them while Stacie’d had a full four years and she’d hate to have to make the Bellas choose.  

(not that they’d choose her, but she still didn’t want that choice looming over them all). 

Stacie seems better at holding them off anyhow, and Aubrey notes with a faint smile that Stacie has finally mastered the art of the pointed glare, giving Amy a sharp one after an ill-conceived “So, do we need to give you two a minute?”  

Amy’s mouth clicks shut and nobody makes eye contact with her for the next five minutes, something Aubrey’s a little grateful for.  

 

* * *

 

The thing about Stacie is that while a lot about her has changed, there are some things that stay the same, parts of her that Aubrey knows she can’t shake, and one of them has always included taking Aubrey’s temperature at any time of the day.  

And Aubrey is so weak so when Stacie glides her fingertips down the back of Aubrey’s arm the way she’s done a million times before, Aubrey has to fight back a shiver.  

“Hey,” Stacie says with a soft smile, stepping out from behind her to look at her. “Having fun?”  

“Yes,” Aubrey says because she really is, and she returns the sincere smile.  

There’s a beat of silence where they don’t know where to take the conversation and Stacie shifts to stand beside her so they can watch the crowd on the dance floor in silence.  

The song ends and changes and Aubrey feels her chest constrict as the familiar first notes fill the room around them and she can feel Stacie freeze next to her.  

Aubrey’s skin grows warmer the longer the song goes on, everybody on the dance floor swaying along and she tries not to cry.  

“I’m really happy for them,” Stacie whispers and Aubrey has to curl her hand into a fist to stop it from shaking, eyes sliding closed as she tries not to focus on the bittersweet tone of Stacie’s voice.  

She doesn’t say anything back but she doesn’t have to, knows that they’re both thinking the same thing.  

Because before everything had unravelled in such a spectacular fashion they’d been talking about their future, and they’d been making plans. They’d been madly in love and ready for everything, and Stacie had turned to her when they were sprawled on their couch, that elusive smile on her face as she’d said: “You know, when we get married, we’ll need to pick a song.”  

“A song?” she’d asked.  

“You know, first dance, all that.”  

“We don’t have a song,” Aubrey had replied with a smile.  

“Then we need to pick one.”  

So they had, and it hurts to know that it should have been them out there, both in white, pressed closely together in their own little bubble, their closest friends and family with them to celebrate how much they love each other.  

Instead, they stand at the edge of the dance floor, after the cutting of the cake and the first dance and all the other classic wedding things and watch as Beca and Chloe and several wedding guests dance to _their_  song.  

When she turns to Stacie, some sick part of her wanting to torture herself even more and try to imagine what Stacie would have looked like on their wedding day, she finds the woman already watching her, knows that Stacie’s running through the same thoughts as her and the pain and longing mirrored back to her is too much.  

She hates how her gaze skitters away and how Stacie’s fingers on her skin suddenly feel like touching a hot iron, so she steps away from Stacie as she quickly glances back to the couple on the dance floor for a final shot of pain.  

“I’m sorry,” she whispers, afraid that if she speaks any louder, her voice will crack and break the dam.  

“Aubrey—” Stacie tries to say but she’s halfway turned to go and she doesn’t doesn’t stop, hand flying up to her mouth to choke back a sob as she does the cowardly thing and flees.  

She’s wiping away tears while stalking towards the elevators, doesn’t hear Stacie follow her out until fingers curl into the crook of her elbow and Aubrey gasps at the touch but doesn’t flinch away, let’s Stacie usher her away from the elevator bay towards a secluded hallway leading to a staff entrance.  

“Hey, it’s okay,” Stacie says softly, fingers still curled around her upper arm, thumb softly smoothing over her skin.  

“I’m sorry,” Aubrey gasps between tears. “This is so unfair to you.” She shakes her head and tries to bite back her tears, reaching up to wipe at her eyes again but Stacie beats her to it, warm hands cupping her face as her thumbs sweep over her cheeks.  

She doesn’t say anything but when Aubrey lifts her head, she can see the tears pooling in Stacie’s eyes.  

She knows she should step away, out of Stacie’s arms because it’s dangerous how easily her body melts into Stacie’s touch. 

“Don’t be,” Stacie finally whispers and Aubrey’s eyes slide closed, doesn’t trust herself enough not to fall into Stacie’s arms if she looks into those tortured green eyes. “Don’t be,” Stacie says again, and Aubrey’s hands tremble when Stacie presses her forehead against hers.  

Her hands come up and grip Stacie’s waist almost involuntarily and Stacie’s sharp intake of breath is loud but she doesn’t shy away from the touch.  

“Don’t be sorry,” Stacie whispers again and Aubrey realises how closely they’re pressed together, how Stacie has her pinned to the wall.  

She knows it’s a mistake to open her eyes before she does it but she’s powerless to stop, eyes meeting Stacie’s and she’s not sure who leans in first but suddenly Stacie’s lips are on hers and she doesn’t try to stop it, parting her lips and deepening the kiss when Stacie slides a hand into her hair.  

It’s too easy to kiss Stacie, both of them falling into their old familiar pattern.  

Stacie moans and Aubrey feels like her skin is on fire.  

“We shouldn’t be doing this,” she gasps out and Stacie immediately pulls away from her as if burned.  

“You’re right.”  

Stacie steps away and Aubrey shivers at the loss of warmth, leaning her head back against the wall and letting out a long sigh as her eyes slide closed.  

When she opens her eyes, Stacie’s leaning against the opposite wall, hands pressed against the wall and her body leaning back against it as if needing to physically stop herself from reaching out. Her head is bowed but her hair is in a fancy updo and doesn’t shield her face so Aubrey can see her lick her lips, eyes closing as the tears start to fall.  

“Stacie…”  

This time she knows they’re both to blame, Stacie kicking off the wall and Aubrey meeting her halfway, fingers curled around the back of Stacie’s neck and pulling her down in a desperate kiss that Stacie immediately deepens.  

They only briefly part to take the elevator up but by the time the hotel room door closes behind them, Aubrey has Stacie pinned against it, their lips moving over each other again.  

Frantic hands work their way down her body, tug down the zipper of her dress and Aubrey easily steps out of the fabric, mindlessly flinging it away and moaning when Stacie’s fingers move insistently, expertly unhooking her bra.  

Aubrey pushes back when Stacie’s fingers reach the waistband of her underwear, reluctantly twisting Stacie away from her so she can yank down the zipper of her bridesmaid’s dress, bra and underwear going along with it and she barely notices Stacie’s confidence falter once she’s naked, too focused on touching her again and kissing along her shoulder.  

Stacie rips down her underwear and pins her to the bed and Aubrey feels like she’s drowning, in her emotions, in how good it all feels, in Stacie, hands grasping uselessly at her back once they find their rhythm.  

“I love you,” Stacie murmurs when they’re both close, eyes clear as she stares at her and Aubrey can’t look away, crashes her lips against Stacie’s to swallow the words but minutes later, after they crest and slow and Stacie has a hand buried in her hair, tip of her thumb pressed against the corner of her jaw, she closes her eyes at how tender Stacie still is, always is, with her and she whispers back, “I love you too.”  

 

* * *

 

They don’t say anything when they wake up the next morning, and Stacie quietly slips into her dress, managing to do the zipper up enough for it to be decent, gathers her things and when she stops by the door she glances back, not at Aubrey but at the bed before leaving with a final, faint, “Bye.”  

The door clicks shut softly behind her and Aubrey’s knuckles are white from how hard she’s clutching the sheets to her chest. The mirror hanging opposite the bed mocks her so she closes her eyes, slides down back in bed and bites down so hard on the inside of her cheek that she tastes the coppery tinge of blood and still, she doesn’t feel anything.  

She feels completely numb, as if Stacie took every part of her senses with her when she left.  

She doesn’t feel anything anymore, barely registers the tears rolling down her cheeks heavily, and she wonders how she could have ever been so _stupid_. How she could have thought that touching and feeling and tasting Stacie would somehow magically heal the emptiness inside her.  

Because all of this? It was never going to end any differently.  

Because nothing’s changed in the last four years, and if they couldn’t work it out back then, when they were at their best, why would they be able to now? 

Stacie was her everything, her guiding light; bright and warm and everything she’d ever needed and being with her had felt both like being set aflame and like being safe from the dark. She’d burned hot when Aubrey had gotten to touch her again last night, and Aubrey had felt more alive in the few hours of the night than she’s felt in all their time apart.  

And it’s unsettling, because all that time Aubrey thought her heart was just broken beyond repair, that losing Stacie came with a numb feeling that she’d never shake or live without again, and so it’s difficult to reconcile that with the realisation that being with Stacie is what makes her feel alive; that Stacie seemed to somehow still be the key to keeping the cold and dark parts of her at bay.  

She has no way of moving on and the thought that she’s going to forever be stuck at step one, at the very beginning and most raw part of healing weighs her down so heavily she’s not sure she could crawl out of bed if she tries.  

  

_ v. _

 

Chloe looks skittish when she opens the front door, glancing behind her nervously and Aubrey’s immediately on edge, even after Chloe plasters a wide smile onto her face and turns her bright eyes onto her.  

“Hey! You’re early!”  

“I got done earlier so I thought I’d see if you were home,” Aubrey says warily.  

“Yeah, no, of course, come on in,” Chloe says, stepping aside and letting Aubrey in.  

“I can come back later if you’re busy,” Aubrey says carefully when she sees Chloe glance at the clock mounted in the hallway.  

“No, don’t be ridiculous, you’re already here,” Chloe says, waving her hand dismissively before guiding Aubrey further into the house. “We just have—”   

She’s cut off by a loud shriek, head snapping to the sound.  

“Chloe, who was at the door?” Beca calls out just as a small girl comes bounding into the hallway.  

“Aunt Chloeeee!” she giggles, crashing into Chloe’s legs and turning her back to the legs to face Beca where she’s poked her head around the doorway. “Save me!”  

Chloe instinctively puts her hands on the girl’s shoulders, bending down a little to wrap her arms protectively around her.  

“Is she teasing you again?” Chloe whispers and Bella nods, still watching Beca closely.  

Beca’s not watching her, though, eyes wide and slightly alarmed as she looks between Aubrey and Chloe.  

“Hi,” Aubrey says with a smile that doesn’t quite reach her eyes.  

“You’re early,” Beca blurts out and Chloe rolls her eyes.  

“I am,” Aubrey replies.  

Aubrey watches as Beca glances at Chloe, schooling her features after seeing the expression there, fixing a smile onto her face as she steps out and offers Aubrey a hug that she returns.  

“Hi, sorry, come in.”  

Aubrey doesn’t get a good look at the little girl before she bounds away, back to Beca, as Chloe gestures for Aubrey to follow her.  

“You _are_ busy,” Aubrey comments lightly, a smile tugging at her lips.  

“No, it’s fine,” Chloe says, rounding the kitchen island. “Something to drink?”  

“Anything cold,” Aubrey replies, twists when she hears footsteps come into the kitchen.  

“Someone’s a little curious,” Beca says with a playful smile but her eyes are closed off and Aubrey can’t pinpoint why that is. The small girl has her arms wrapped around Beca’s right leg, face pressed against her thigh in hiding, one eye scrunched open to peek at Aubrey curiously.  

“We didn’t secretly adopt a kid without telling you, if that’s what you’re thinking,” Chloe quickly cuts in, offering Aubrey a glass of lemonade that she eagerly accepts, sipping from it before setting it down on the kitchen counter.  

“We’re babysitting,” Beca explains.  

“I’m not a baby!” the girl protests immediately, indignation clear as she seems to shed her careful wariness around the stranger and steps out from behind Beca’s leg, pout firm and arms crossed and Aubrey feels like the wind’s been knocked out of her, curls her fingers around the edge of the marble kitchen top. 

“Of course you’re a baby!” Beca teases and the girl’s frown deepens, an adorably high-pitched grumble falling from her lips.  

“Am not!”  

“Are too!” Beca throws back.  

“Imma munchkin!” she fights, fists balled at her sides as she stomps her foot and Beca laughs and reaches out to tickle the girl who immediately breaks, squirming away with a shriek and bursting into giggles and Aubrey feels like she’s choking on air.  

Aubrey knows Chloe’s watching and following her every move and it’s the only reason she stays put and doesn’t bolt from the situation.  

“Aubrey?” Chloe tries carefully and Aubrey can’t even imagine what she must look like when she tears her eyes away from the little girl and meets Chloe’s eyes because the woman seems to completely soften, and Aubrey hates the pity she sees there. “Beca,” Chloe says sharply then, shooting the brunette a look.  

Beca misreads the situation, too busy holding the little girl upside down and tickling her, and Aubrey’s chest constricts when the girl’s melodic laughter fills the air around them. Beca finally sets her down on her feet, twists her around to face Aubrey and gently nudges her forward.  

“Where are your manners, munchkin?”  

Aubrey feels all the blood drain from her face now that she’s fully faced with the girl, who can’t be more than three years old, and when she glances at Chloe, she can see the panic there clear as day but more than anything Aubrey wants to tell her that it’s okay, that it’s too late because she knows exactly who this is.  

Because the little girl stares up at Aubrey with bright, sparkling eyes that are the exact same shade of green as her mother’s, a little too familiar to Aubrey from hours spent staring into them.  

And the little girl stares up at Aubrey with a half smile, quirked up at one side that gives away how apprehensive she actually is, a nervous trait that Aubrey hates she recognises so well.  

And because the little girl has the same gorgeous brown hair, the same cheekbones, the same complexion, the same _everything_ as her mother.  

“Go on,” Beca urges, despite all of Chloe’s gestures for her to stop.  

“Hi,” the girl breathes. 

“Hello,” she says, tries for the most reassuring and stable tone she can.  

“I’m Bella,” she says quietly, but with a wide smile.  

“I’m Aubrey.”  

A small hand shoots out and Aubrey has to stifle a smile as she takes it, shakes the little girl’s hand.  

“It’s nice to meet you,” she says with a shake and a single nod of the head before pulling back and glancing up at Beca with a proud smile.  

Bella.  

Spitting image of her mother with all the charm of a three-year-old.  

Aubrey feels like she’s either going to burst into laughter or tears.  

“Beca, can I talk to you?” Chloe asks, trying for a cheery tone but Aubrey knows her too well, chuckles to herself at the thinly-veiled annoyance coming through.  

“Can I go play?” Bella asks and Chloe nods.  

“Of course, sweetheart,” she says and Bella chances a final look at Aubrey, waves her hand.  

“Bye!”  

Aubrey lifts her hand and wriggles her fingers but the girl’s already halfway gone.  

“We’re just gonna—” Chloe says but Aubrey shakes her head.  

“No, you stay. I’ll—” She’s not sure what she wants to say, the words getting caught in her throat but the air around her is stifling and if she doesn’t get out of the house, she’s definitely going to break down.  

“Back porch?” Beca offers and Aubrey shoots her a grateful smile.  

“Yeah—yes.”  

She grabs her lemonade and bolts, the screen door almost crashing closed behind her she’s in such a hurry to get out of the choking pressure of the house.  

It’s the height of the summer so the door stays open, and even though she can’t make out the words, she knows exactly what Beca and Chloe are hissing at each other about. She doesn’t try to follow the words, only catches “it’s almost five” from Beca and then it’s quiet.  

The screen door creaks as it opens and before long, Chloe drops onto the porch steps next to her, staring out at the backyard. 

They’re quiet for a long while until Chloe breaks the silence.  

“Do you want to leave?”  

Aubrey frowns at the non sequitur.  

“She’s picking her up in twenty minutes.”  

Aubrey chuckles but there’s no humour there. “I didn’t know.”  

“I know,” Chloe says and that stops her cold, makes her finally look away from the backyard to glance at Chloe with a puzzled look that darkens when she sees the guilty look there. “Do you want me to tell her you’re here?”  

Aubrey considers saying yes, considers the virtue of at least giving her a heads’ up, but the selfish part of her sets in, the part of her that’s petty and wants Stacie to feel as dumbstruck and blindsided as her, so she says, “No.”  

Chloe hums but doesn’t say anything else and they sit in silence for a bit until Chloe gets up, lets her hand brush over Aubrey’s shoulder and she tries not to tense up at the touch, barely relaxing until after Chloe goes back inside and the sounds of laughter filter out of the house.  

The sinking feeling in her gut grows the longer she stays out there, and she’s starting to rethink her decision to stay when the doorbell rings and suddenly the anxiety is full-blown, her whole skin erupting into goosebumps as she shivers.  

The voice is clear as day, a light and happy, “Where’s my favourite girl?” before the sound of Bella’s loud giggles and Stacie’s laughter and Aubrey didn’t think she could feel anything else but once again she’s wrong, her skin hot and cold at the same time and it feels like she’s been stabbed, and she idly muses that that would probably be nicer than what she’s going through because at least a stab wound heals.  

Aubrey knows the exact moment Stacie finds out, her loud laughs coming to an abrupt stop after Beca calls her attention and Chloe whispers something to her and Aubrey can only imagine what must be happening inside, Bella being passed off to Beca or Chloe as Stacie takes a moment to regroup.  

The screen door opens and closes and Aubrey feels her heart rate pick up.  

She can sense the hesitation, how Stacie doesn’t know where to start this conversation.  

“How old is she?” Aubrey asks, her voice barely above a whisper.  

“She turned three in April.”  

“So last year at the wedding, when you—when we…”  

“Yes.”  

She knows that, but it’s rough to hear it confirmed and she lashes out unfairly, scoffs and says, “Well you really didn’t waste time, did you?”  

“You don’t get to say that to me,” Stacie shoots back, words sharp and that finally makes her twist, shifting to look at Stacie and the dark look she finds there makes her stand up to face the woman, crossing her arms and arching an eyebrow.  

“Don’t I?”  

“No,” Stacie says.  

“If I’m getting the math right—”  

“ _Aubrey_.”  

“—then it means you’d have gotten pregnant barely two years after we split up.”  

“That’s none of your business,” Stacie says.  

“Clearly,” she replies.  

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Stacie asks, leaning back with a frown and Aubrey hates how much she enjoys getting a reaction out of her.  

“Do all of the Bellas know about her? Or just Chloe and Beca?”  

Stacie’s gaze flickers away from hers, frown easing and Aubrey knows it’s the former.  

“That’s what I thought.”  

“This isn’t something you get to be mad about,” Stacie says quietly but firmly and Aubrey completely deflates.  

“I know.”  

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” Stacie says and when she finally meets her eyes, Aubrey melts at the sincere look there. “I didn’t want you to take it the wrong way.”  

“I did anyway,” Aubrey says with a shrug and a wry smile, turns away to stare at the backyard as she feels tears well up. “I just thought—last year, when you said…” She hears Stacie’s sharp intake of breath at the reminder of hushed words whispered in the breath between them.  She’d held onto that small moment tightly, locked it away with all the others as a thing to cherish and look back on and help her mend, help her realise that she’s not the only one hurting, but now she’s not sure what to do with it anymore, the memory of them almost tainted.  “I thought it meant you still…”  

“I do,” Stacie says firmly.  

“And Bella?”  

Stacie moves closer, stands next to her and she can feel the body heat coming off Stacie but still, they don’t touch.  

“Remember senior year when we were snowed in at Dulles and I managed to get some extra blankets for us?” Stacie says and Aubrey’s can’t help but smile at the memory, nods. “And we were curled up together on a massage lounger and you said…”  

“ _I think you’re my soulmate_ ,” Aubrey breathes and she presses her eyes closed because she can feel her chest breaking open even more, has to bite the inside of her cheek to stop the unavoidable tears.  

“You’re my soulmate, Aubrey,” Stacie whispers, voice shaky, and when Aubrey opens her eyes to look at the woman, she finds Stacie’s eyes red and her cheeks wet with tears, and the hurt she sees makes her regret implying Stacie didn’t mean her words at Beca and Chloe’s wedding. “I love you _so much_ and I will never—” Her voice catches loudly and Aubrey chokes back a sob. “—be as in love with anybody the way I am with you.”  

Stacie glances back at the conspicuously quiet house, reaching up to try and wipe away some of the tears.  

“But I want kids and you don’t,” she whispers, doesn’t meet Aubrey’s eyes. “And if I wait for my heart to heal to have kids, I will be waiting forever.”  

Aubrey chokes back a sob, didn’t think her heart could break any more but the sound of Stacie’s small, broken voice proves otherwise.  

“I’m sorry I never told you,” Aubrey says softly and that finally makes Stacie look at her, the confusion written plainly across her face. “I should have told you from the beginning that I didn’t want kids.”  

“It’s okay,” Stacie tries to say but it’s really not. “We didn’t know it was going to be like this.”  

_We didn’t know it was going to be this serious_ , is what she means.  

“Yes, we did,” Aubrey counters immediately but there’s no fight to her voice. “We weren’t supposed to end.”  

Stacie swallows thickly as she looks away, no response to that because Aubrey’s right. But they have fundamental differences in what they want from their lives and there was never going to be any way forward for them.  

The intrusive, destructive part of her wishes that Stacie had never had a child and that she could lie and pretend that they still had a chance, that they could still be together, but they don’t and the presence of a child makes that abundantly clear.  

She wishes that she didn’t feel that way, that she could give in and accept and be okay with it for Stacie but she can’t and pretending she can does a disservice to all of them.  

Bella deserves parents who want her and Aubrey could never be that for her.  

“I’m sorry,” she whispers again and she reaches up to wipe at her tears but Stacie beats her to it, thumb sweeping under her chin and then across her cheek and Aubrey trembles at the touch.  

When she looks up, Stacie looks as shocked at the touch as she is and Aubrey’s knees weaken when she jerks her hand back, away, so she grabs onto the bannister tightly as her body adjusts to the sudden appearance and then withdrawal of warmth.  

“I—” Stacie starts but she’s interrupted by a small body smacking against the screen door.  

“Mamaaa!” Bella calls out, watching the two adults with interest. 

“Angel, I told you to stay inside,” Stacie says, tries for a stern tone but Bella just shoots her a sad look and Stacie sighs.  

Aubrey quickly wipes at her tears, surprises Stacie by moving over to the screen door and opening it.  

As soon as it’s open, Bella darts around it and into Stacie’s arms and Aubrey takes one look at them and flees into the house, a soft call of her name ignored as she moves through the house.  

Her heart beats loudly in her chest and even though she can feel blood pulsing through her veins, she feels completely dead inside, like an infection that had been cultivating inside her heart has finally spread.  

She bumps into Beca who looks immediately concerned, whose hands reach out to hold Aubrey by the forearms to stabilise her.  

“Whoah, slow down.”  

As soon as she regains her balance, Aubrey rips away from Beca’s touch but it’s too late and Beca’s already noticed how hard she’s shaking.  

“Aubrey…”  

“I have to go. Can you tell Chloe—”  

“Aubrey—” Beca instructs. “—slow down. Look at me.”  

The strong words catch her by surprise and she lifts her head to meet Beca’s eyes.  

“Breathe. You’re going to be okay.”  

She laughs sharply at that, voice lacking any trace of amusement so she knows she just sounds like a maniac.  

“This isn’t the end of the world,” Beca says softly, completely unperturbed by her outburst. “This doesn’t have to be the end, you and Stacie can still—”  

“No, we can’t,” Aubrey cuts in darkly and Beca reels back at the words.  

“Just because she had a kid you’re never going to give you two a chance again? Are you really that stubborn?” Beca asks and Aubrey knows she means well but she’s feeling a little too raw for this conversation.  

“Get out of my way,” she growls and Beca is surprised enough that Aubrey can brush past her but she barely rounds the corner when she finds Chloe in the hallway, heading her way and thus stopping her from leaving.  

“Aubrey,” she says softly, eyes warm and Aubrey feels tears prickle in her eyes again.  

“Please let me go, Chloe,” she begs.  

“Are you coming back?” Chloe asks, her voice small and worried and hurt and Aubrey hates herself even more, knows that she hasn’t just lost Stacie, that in order to get away from her and let her live a full and happy life, it means they can’t have _any_  overlap which means she’ll have to give up Chloe too and that realisation shatters her.  

She bites down on her lips and doesn’t respond so Chloe has her answer.  

Going against all of the warning signs Aubrey’s giving off, in a flash of movement Chloe has her arms around Aubrey in a tight hug and they’re both shaking so hard that Aubrey can’t even make out who’s crying harder.  

She can barely breathe because Chloe is clinging onto her so tightly but she manages, in a small, shaky voice, to whisper, “Take care of her for me, okay?”  

“Who’s going to take care of me?” Chloe asks selfishly and Aubrey loves her for it, for how much she’s trying to keep Aubrey close, for how dirty she’s willing to play to prevent the inevitable now that she knows exactly what Aubrey’s doing.  

“I’m sorry, Chlo.”  

“You have to say goodbye to her,” Chloe says strongly, pulling away and letting her anger at their situation seep in and Aubrey knows Chloe’s going to be okay. She’s going to hate Aubrey for a little while, but she will be okay without her. “You owe her that much.”  

Aubrey doesn’t say anything but they both know she’s a coward when it comes to Stacie, and that given the option, she won’t.  

Still, Chloe steps aside and lets Aubrey walk past her, and for that she’s grateful.  

Stacie knows her too well, though, and Aubrey is not surprised to find the woman standing in the foyer waiting for her.  

The girl in her arms is like ripping open a fresh wound and Aubrey feels short of breath again but she still steps forward, quickly wipes at her eyes to face her.  

For her part, Stacie tries to put down Bella and Aubrey can see that she hadn’t meant for her to walk in while the girl was still in her arms, and Aubrey appreciates the effort, sees Stacie’s flash of worry when Bella whines and tightens her arms and legs around Stacie when she tries to set her down.  

“I’m sorry,” Stacie apologises quickly but Aubrey shakes her head and has a genuine smile on her face, oddly at peace with it.  

“Don’t be,” she says, means it. “It’s good to see.”  

Stacie’s brow furrows at that and she clearly can’t reconcile the words with Aubrey’s demeanour and Aubrey wants to meet her eyes to explain but she can’t look away from where Stacie’s hand softly rubs Bella’s back, almost unconsciously as she cuddles the girl in her arms.  

“It’s…” she starts but then she’s not sure where she wants to go with that sentence and she needs a moment to stem the overwhelming need to cry again. “It wasn’t all for nothing.”  

“Aubrey…” Stacie pleads and she feels her throat close up again.  

“No, I… I meant what I said.”  

“When?”  

“Way back,” she whispers, digs her nails into the soft skin of her palm. “You’re a great mother, Stacie.”  

Stacie exhales sharply but then she looks away and Aubrey can see her wipe at her eyes. 

“I always figured you would be and this— _she_ —proves it.”  

“What are you saying?” Stacie asks, voice cracking in the middle.  

“All the pain wasn’t for nothing,” Aubrey says and she sees comprehension fill Stacie.  

“And if it still hurts?” Stacie prompts.  

“Are you happy?” Aubrey asks and Stacie doesn’t even blink at the sharp change.  

“I don’t know.”  

“You will be.”  

“And what about you?”  

“Don’t worry about me,” Aubrey says, tries for a happy tone despite feeling completely hollow inside.  

“I’ll always worry about you, Aubrey. I l—”  

“Don’t,” Aubrey pleads. “Stacie, please.”  

Aubrey’s voice must be the final straw for her, because Stacie finally breaks, tears trailing down her cheeks and she looks so broken that Aubrey can’t hold her own tears at bay.  

“Promise me you’ll take care of Chloe?”  

“Aubrey,” Stacie breathes, her disbelief clear, understanding that Chloe had been the last thing tying them together and that with those words, Aubrey was finally severing that last connection.  

“ _Promise me._ ”  

“I promise,” Stacie chokes out and Aubrey lets out a sob of relief as she finally seems to lose the last of her strength.  

“Enjoy this beautiful girl, okay?” Aubrey says, stepping close and letting her fingertips ghost over Stacie’s cheek.  

Stacie closes her eyes at the touch, leans into it as she cries even harder.  

She can see that Stacie wants nothing more than to touch her but both her hands are occupied by holding up Bella and so Aubrey steps back and glances over them a final time, eyes meeting Stacie’s and holding her gaze.  

She can see understanding set in, can see Stacie realise what’s happening and she can’t bear to watch the woman’s heart break so she ducks her head and walks around Stacie to reach for the handle of the front door.  

She takes a moment to breathe and hears that Stacie hasn’t turned around, a small mercy, but she’s nothing if not a masochist so after schooling her features again and wiping away her tears she glances back over her shoulder.  

Her breath hitches when curious green eyes meet hers and Bella cracks a smile and lifts her hand for a small wave.  

“Bye miss Aubrey,” she says softly, politely.  

“Goodbye Bella.”  

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> (thoughts?)


End file.
